Summary of a Complaint I Emailed to US Foods, with the Word “Douche” Added Liberally for My Own Amusement:

“Though your douchebag driver’s assertion that I could squeeze between his truck and the brick wall proved accurate, I was only able to make it out with half an inch of space on either side. I can only imagine the level of douche-induced hilarity the driver of the SUV behind me experienced. And though I made it out, as he douchely noted, your douche-faced driver’s doucheplosive parking forced me into a douchetastic turn where I was not only merging blindly into downtown morning traffic, but was also doucherrifically making a turn that added ten minutes to my commute. I sincerely hope that due measures are taken to prevent such douchependous douchetastrophies in the future.”

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